NEW RESEARCH OPPORTUNITIES AT THE CENTER FOR THER ADVANCEMENT OF PERIPHERAL THOUGHT

RESEARCH OPPORTUNITIES: THE INSTITUTE FOR LEGITIMATE LIBERTIES

I don’t mind buying a new tube of toothpaste every two months. Another marker of time passing: another two months on. I don’t mind having to go buy a new ink cartridge for my printer: another three hundred pages written. And tax-time, every spring: it’s a time to reflect on what good my country has done in the world in the past year.

But I do mind having to replenish the toilet-paper supply. There ought to be more things that you only have to do once in your life, like get vaccinated for small-pox, and buying toilet-paper should be one of them. Toilet paper should come the way running water does.

The Institute for Legitimate Liberties at the Center for the Advancement of Peripheral Thought announces today a new series of research grants for the creation of continuous supplies of toilet paper. Proposals can be submitted to the address below. The deadline for applications is flexible.


RESEARCH OPPORTUNITIES: DEPARTMENT OF TECHNOCONVENIENCE

We humans waste millions of hours each year looking for our eye-glasses. Some people wear their glasses all the time, except when they are sleeping; and when they go to bed put their glasses close beside them where they can be easily located. (Some sleep-walkers put on their glasses when they are sleep-walking, and put the glasses back where they belong when they return to bed.) Some people who don’t need their glasses all the time wear them on strings around their necks; but evidence conducted from clinical trials indicates that when they lean over water-fountains they make messes, and if they have to pick up big boxes or carry several grocery bags they may well break their frames against their chests. Most of us just put our glasses down when we take them off--and then we have to go looking for them.

(Squirrels never remember where they have buried their nuts; but they bury so many of them that if there are enough squirrels in a neighborhood, no squirrel will ever go hungry because there will be a nut almost anywhere, buried by one squirrel or another. But humans and their glasses are a different matter.)

The Department of Technoconvenience at the Center for the Advancement of Peripheral Thought is accepting proposals for research projects designed to create glasses which will follow their owners wherever they go. Proposals should be sent to the address listed below. The deadline for applications is under construction, and will be posted beforehand.