BREAKING NEWS

FROM 

THE CENTER FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF PERIPHERAL THOUGHT

(Saarbrücken.  2 December 2014)  A statement today from the  Center for the Advancement of Peripheral Thought reports that scientists at its Contagious Disease Control Laboratories are on the verge of--or perhaps just around the corner from--creating a way to model proven medicaments, pharmacololgical remedies, and elixirs on contagious viral diseases, to make those cures themselves pandemic.  "It may not be long," says Professor Bert Hornback, founding director of the Center for the Advancement of Peripheral Thought, "before our scientists can cure one case of measles and with that cure create a pandemic of cures that will wipe out measles everywhere."

Medical scientists from around the globe have been responding to the news with awe and appreciation.  "This is the biggest medical breakthrough," said one, "since the discovery of health."
Atmospheric scientists are busy trying to adapt the idea to counter the spread of deadly air pollution.  At the headquarters of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament, teams of adaptionists were at work within hours of the announcement.  And at the laboratories of the Organization of Ungodly Optimists, the changeover was quickly made from research on stopping the spread of the deadly contagious hate gene to figuring out how to make love itself contagious.

"The universe," said the Secretary-General of the Natural World, "has a new ambition."

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