Dreamland, USA. 8 July 2011. President Obama began his remarks today by saying ghat he didn't want to upstage the celebration of Independence Day in America, so he had waited until the pollution from the fireworks had cleared to make what he modestly called his historic and heroic announcement. He was accompanied to the podium by Vice-President Biden, Chief Justice Roberts representing the judiciary, and Senator McConnell representing the legislature.

It has been reported by reliable sources inside Vice-President Biden's grin that Chief Justice Roberts' appearance was bought with a promise that new legislation criminalising stupidity on the Supreme Court would be grandfathered, and that Senator McConnell was promised a free Get-Out-Of-Hell card.

Mr. Obama announced that Private Bradley Manning would be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor, and that a small, life-size statue of Manning standing naked in front of his cell at Quantico would be erected (sic.) on the white house lawn.

Mr. Obama called Manning "one of the nation's greatest leaders," and announced his appointment as director of the Central Intelligence Agency. In making this appointment, Mr. Obama commented that Manning would "for the first time in the agency's history, bring actual intelligence to the job."

Mr. Obama also said that, in exchange for Manning's acceptance of this important post, he had promised that within ninety days, the concentration camp at Guantanamo Bay would be closed, all four of the nation's current wars against the Arab world would cease, the illegal U. S. embargo against Cuba would end, and Hugo Chavez would be invited to Washington for reconciliation talks and provided with free medical care.

In closing, Mr. Obama said that he had directed the Attorney General to file criminal charges against all those involved in torturing prisoners, including President George W. Bush and himself.